Can't You Be Mine?
by Maxwell Lily
Summary: It's so textbook, so cliché, Go Ha Jin hates it. You don't know what you have until you've lost it, such bullshit, such a goddamn joke for superstitious teenagers who thought the world ended when your crush liked someone else and that is exactly how she feels. She wants to ruin their friendship. Doesn't. She doesn't. She's in love with him. [Modern Setting AU]
1. Can't You Be Mine?

_She is suddenly aware of her desire for him_

 _across the table, next to him on the bus.  
But it makes her shiver, the way  
those shells split apart—like half-black_

 _moons that gave off no light, only  
shadows. And they were legion._

— **Katherine Larson,** from "Low Tide Evening," _Radial Symmetry_

* * *

She wants to ruin their friendship.

Doesn't. She doesn't.

She forgets negatives particles. Can only think of truths, the facts. She has known him for many years. Has grown by his side, knows of his habits and temper and the curve of his eyes. Has given him gifts, has met his girlfriends, has helped him grieve for lost relatives. He laughs at her jokes and picks her up at work when it's raining. Loves her outfits and the color of her hair. She knows what he had for dinner most nights, and sends him texts when he can't sleep, which happens a lot, causing her to not sleep and consequently cover-up her dark eyes with make-up the following day. He's her best friend. He's about to get engaged.

She's in love with him.

The jealousy burns, corrodes her, makes her feel like a monster. She dresses in pinks and whites but she's a monster, she wants _her_ away, off, gone. Sometimes she has to force her own hands down, on her lap, clasped, painfully, as to not pull his fiancée's hair and wipe the smile off her face.

She knows Yeon A is going to take him away. She doesn't know why, she just knows. She's supposed to be happy, she's supposed to be supportive, just like he was when she was scammed and heartbroken and penniless. She owes him that much, owes him so much. But she can't stop thinking of the way he licks his lips before he smiles at her, the fiancée, the promised one. The way he leans towards her, Go Ha Jin, when he thinks she's keeping a secret from him. His eyes. The way he plays the piano. His hands.

 _Please don't leave me._

It's so textbook, so cliché, Go Ha Jin hates it. You don't know what you have until you've lost it, such _bullshit_ , such a goddamn joke for superstitious teenagers who thought the world ended when your crush liked someone else and that is exactly how she feels. Like a teenager. Like she's seventeen in an unfunny movie about self-discovery and falling in love. She's not even sure she knows what love is. What it feels like. She had assumed it meant the joy of a kiss in cold nights or hearing the word love whispered against your ear. She was wrong.

Love is an open faucet and every possible feeling that pours out. Overwhelming, uncontrollable, loud. It's remembering things that happened ten years before when you don't even care what happened ten years ago. It's his hands wrapping his scarf around your neck because _dummy, I can't believe you forgot again._ It's the mystery of his lips, their color, what they would taste like. It's his cologne that she smells on her pillow when it's supposed to smell of something else, she _works_ with soaps and perfumes but no matter how much she tries, she can only smell him. It's hating yourself. Wanting to cry when the only person who can comfort you is him.

 _Please look at me._

She knows Yeon A hates her, feels threatened by her, like she gives off a scent that is easily picked up by the other woman. A foul stench. Yeon A wrinkles her nose at her at any given opportunity. Hyun Woo doesn't see it. He's so smart and intuitive and he doesn't see a damn thing. She's glad. She's sad. She still wants to cry.

He takes her out for lunch and notices she barely eats. She takes advantage of it, of him, wraps her arm around his and rests her head on his shoulder and tells him she just feels a little (love)sick. He walks with her like they had done so many times in their lives, takes her to look at kittens in the park to make her smile, to make her laugh. She does, but the tears are right on the corners of her eyes, her stomach hurts, she holds his hand. He looks so good that day, and she's not sure if it's because of his clothes or her eyes. She thinks about the boy he used to be, how easily embarrassed he was around her when they met, she was too pretty and he was too shy. How did they become friends anyway? In our early years it has no explanation, just the flow of time and the way they stay by our side, exchanging songs and notes and umbrellas. Ditching class together, taking one another to the infirmary to sleep because there was a fight at Hyun Woo's home again and he couldn't sleep. Playing scary games together and falling asleep in each other's presence, safe, sound. Talking about dreams.

 _I want to make you happy._

He buys her a flower, just a single one, and it's her favorite. He thinks it'll cheer her up but it doesn't, the smile isn't happiness, it's longing. She hugs him and he doesn't quite understand why, he just knows there's something wrong and nothing seems to work. She selfishly basks in his worry, knowing that every second he spends with her is a second he spends way from _her_ and it's so petty and unlike herself. _There's good in everyone, there's good in Yeon A, she makes him laugh._ She hates fighting with him, more than anything, only does it with good reason but she can't justify it to him, not wanting him to marry Yeon A, without a confession. He expects her to be honest, it's all she ever was, honest and just and outspoken. The truth is an envelope inside her heart, with words she can't say.

"I'm tired," is what she says, hugging him, holding his flower. A peony. He always remembers her favorite things.

He takes her to his home and plays her a song on his piano. Another favorite. He can play aggressive pieces and cheerful pieces but mostly they both love melancholy pieces the best, and his fingertips form poems, a field full of her favorite flowers under the moonlight. She loves the images, sees them even with her eyes open, and on that day she hears him hum along with the melody. Sweet. Comforting. _Stop it. I can't._

Her hands tremble when she holds the teacup and he takes it from her, sets it down. There's so much in his eyes at that moment that she can't look away so she just reaches out. Brushes his bangs away from his eyes. He tells her _you can cry if you want_ and she does, cries against his chest, holds onto him for dear life. They almost fall down from the couch so he just moves them both to the floor, holds her between his legs, they look like lovers, he lets her cry, the air is filled with the music of her pain and his whispers.

When she stops he wipes away her tears, laughs. "Ah, my Ha Jin sure can cry," and the fondness fills her, she can't look away from him. She thinks _I don't want to lose our friendship_ as she draws closer, cups his face, she's on her knees and looking at him from above. She thinks _I don't want to lose you_ the moment their lips meet, her hair blocking the light from showing her mistake. She hears him inhale but she can't stop anymore, she knows she's ruined everything, so she just moves again, opens her mouth, takes his lips between hers. She shivers when his hands find her middle, the hands she's wanted to hold, the fingers she wanted laced with hers, to touch her, knowing he'll use them to push her away and then it'll all be over, them, her.

With her eyes closed, she's struck by a memory. An image. A touch of lips by a lake. The feel of his arms around her.

Neither of them are breathing so she knows time is tricking her, she's half-aware of it, more aware of her weight against him and how his arms are really around her, how she's being supported so she doesn't fall, her arms falling helplessly around his shoulders.

She remembers more than she feels him pulling her flush against him, those beloved hands caressing her face with adoration, with so much love it made her love him so. She hears his voice, speaking to her, _I am yours_ , but she can still feel his lips against hers and they hadn't moved, not to speak. She tightens a hand around the fabric of his shirt when she hears, _You belong to me._ She's scared then, she moves back, not too much, until he tucks her hair behind her ear so he can look at her, eyes quite open and alarmed. From that distance, she can see every speckle of color in his irises, her attention trailing down, her mind thinking _there should be a scar here. He has a scar. My love has a scar._

"Hae...Soo...?"

He's looking for something in her, or maybe he's found it already. His hand is in her hair again, hair that should be black and not red, but it doesn't matter, it doesn't. The force of his gaze makes her close her eyes, and her feelings of possession don't feel so heavy anymore, not with her forehead against his, his nose touching hers and his mouth reaching for hers in a happy return. He pulls her in and kisses her, and she has the knowledge of his needs, his urgency, his hunger. _Ah,_ she thinks, _I've made him wait again_ , and it makes no sense until he calls her again. _Soo. Soo-yah._

 _That's right..._

The force of his kiss steals her dominance, he overpowers her, leads her down, his hand protecting the back of her head from any impact, the other on her waist. They're both breathless, time, time is against them, she didn't think she'd ever know what his kiss felt like but he's devouring her. Desperate. Like he hasn't kissed her in years.

 _I..._

Her prince. Her king.

 _I traveled in time..._

They part, more necessity than want. She looks up at him, the man she knows better than anyone, the man who knows her better than anyone. She grew up with him, watched him grow as well, beautiful, kind, so eager to make her laugh when she needs. Her best friend, her best person, her...

"...So? Wang So?"

He smiles, an unbelieving smile. She knows it from when he won prizes he didn't think he would win. She also knows it from the lake, from the kiss she stole from him, the complete happiness he showed her when he knew his feelings were finally returned, had been returned for a long, long time. From the exact moment she touched his skin, his scar, she saw the trust in his eyes and couldn't let go. Gwangjong had scared her but oh, oh Wang So. She was scared of him the most, the way she felt compelled to him. The way a part of her wanted him back. Time had always been on her side, after all.

He kisses her again, sweetly, adoringly. She knows the tilt of his head and the warmth of his touch, she welcomes him, invites him, encourages him. There's Go Ha Jin, who's happy to be kissed back, to unbutton her blouse and give herself to him and there's Hae Soo, who forgives and feels forgiven, who's brought to life for the ending she wished to the stars.

He tells her to wait shortly after they're finished and leaves. Go Ha Jin is confused, scared. Hae Soo has faith but Go Ha Jin is still the best friend who took a leap bigger than her legs could take and it dawns upon her, more and more with each passing minute he's gone.

She rushes to the door the moment she hears it opening and she's greeted with a huge bouquet of peonies. He gives it to her and he gives her the ring. The ring that was almost someone else's, _hers_ , again. He slips it on her finger and it fits as if it was always meant for her from the beginning.

"Ah, but..."

She's happy but scared, scared she's not his Hae Soo, this was a whole new life. They were different, the same but different, same love but different time and place and connection. He kisses her forehead like he's her prince again, who loved to comfort her and support her even when everything seemed dim and distant and she felt out of place. Who had loved Go Ha Jin when she pretended to be Hae Soo.

"It was always supposed to be you, Ha Jin," he speaks and speaks her name, grounding her, guiding her after the leap. "I just never thought... Never thought you'd want me."

"But you know now," she says, incapable of being away from him, hugging him tightly, holding his flowers, she had been looking for him through a storm and now she's sheltered, happy, complete.

"I love you," he confesses, he's always the one to confess first, and she loves him more for it, as if it was even possible. "For this life and the last."

"I'm sorry," she says, out of place, and he has to look at her, a confused smile making him all the more endearing.

"For what?"

"For making you wait again."

She tries to give him many kisses, on the cheek, on the nose, on the lips, and she has to be on her tiptoes the whole time. He leans towards her affection but it's not the same, she finds she likes it better when she can sit on his lap and shower him with the affection she has been holding in for two lifetimes.

"I love you."

It's the first time she says it and she loves the way it makes him blush, makes him shine.

Her prince, her Wang So, her best friend.

She says it a second, third, fourth time. So he knows it. Believes it. Lives it.

 _Truly, I can love you all I want._


	2. Can't Erase It

_When the vase hits the wall and shatters into countless pieces, I can only think of scattered stones, blood on black, and the dead of night._

Lee Hyun Woo holds his head like it'll split open at any given minute. Go Ha Jin, frozen, hand on the doorknob, looks between him and the broken vase and the thrown objects of his usually pristine apartment all over the floor. She takes in a batted breath and rushes to him when he's about to step into the porcelain, speaking too fast for her confused brain to catch up and hold her back.

"Hyun Woo! Love, what's wrong?"

He pushes her away and she hits the couch, but there's not enough force to send her flying.

"Do you want to die too?"

It still hurts.

She watches the rise and fall of his chest, erratic, and she can't think of what robs him of his breath, he — _killed and burned people —_ should be practicing a new piece, an original piece, for his new project with a local studio. Ha Jin looks at the flowers she had brought just the day before, at the mess and the man she loves and she doesn't understand. She does. There's an echo in the chambers of her mind, _I understand you._

"So."

He narrows his eyes and starts to straighten his back, the wounded animal drawing back its claws. There's blood on his bottom lip and Ha Jin thinks he did it himself, like a sleepwalker.

"Ha Jin?"

Hyun Woo looks from her to his hands and feet and the floor, eyes widening in realization and body collapsing under its weight. Go Ha Jin hurries to his side, kneels beside him and cradles his head against her chest, wishing her heartbeats could calm him down but it would be impossible at that moment, relief barely enough to calm herself. He's shaking his head and she's shushing him, caressing his scalp and his arm, such a small woman trying to comfort with all her being.

"I could see it so clearly, the bodies falling around me, and my mother... She..."

She can feel him shaking in her arms and it's more Hyun Woo than So, it's the young boy who couldn't sleep and was prone to colds, who never hurt anyone in his entire life but himself, his own heart and self-esteem. She also remembers clearly, yes, finally, the night she first saw Wang So, truly saw him, not the front he showed people. Ha Jin kisses Hyun Woo's forehead, feverish, and cries with him.

"I know. It's over, it's all over now."

How many times has she said it for the past month? The memories come when they please, as if the torments hadn't been enough in their past life. She wishes they were dreams she could wake up from but they're not, she'll be walking down the street when she sees Wang Taejo, in a crowd of people she sees a little girl whose name always escapes her, and the tea she loves so much flashes of gold, a cruel laughter in her ears, the taste of poison on her lips. If they were dreams, Hyun Woo wouldn't suffer so much, he never remembers his dreams, he could be left with only the good memories, the love they shared, the falling snow, and the girl who beat up a prince. But he remembers. In agonizing fragments, tearing him apart, Wang So's memories threatening to swallow him, a wound as deep as the scar on his face. Hyun Woo has no scar, no. She repeats it to herself, she knows him better than anyone. They sleep together but most times they don't make love, their present, their new relationship is taken away from them. Sometimes he holds her so tightly she can barely breathe. It's okay. It'll all be okay again.

She repeats that when his mother visits. Ha Jin has known her for years, has been taken care of by her, has eaten her food, slept under her roof, and still she feels a shiver go down her spine in her presence. There's only Queen Yoo in her eyes, her threats and her sneer, and the worst is that Hyun Woo sees the same thing. He walks away in the middle of dinner, cutting through her words as swiftly as So cut through his opponents. Ha Jin, the real, whole Ha Jin, surfaces long enough to comfort her and tell her that Hyun Woo is tired, he's having insomnia again and breaking up with Yeon A was hard, she didn't take it well, but Ha Jin and Hyun Woo are working things out and he'll call her as soon as he feels better. There's a normalcy to covering up for him that she welcomes, their shared secrets are held dear in her heart and she'll make this one fit, too. His mother holds her hands and tells her she trusts her. Ha Jin feels hot and cold all at once.

He feels more like himself when he plays. Eyes closed, the melodies as flawless and emotional as they have ever been. She likes the new piece, can't wait to see his new project come to life, and her smile is for her best friend for the first time in a while. She likes it best when he asks her to sit by him; Ha Jin had piano classes with him almost a lifetime ago but he ushers her to his side, invites her with a song she knows, and her tiny, shy keys are harmonized with his. It's the way Hyun Woo dances, their shoulders brushing, and his arm reaching out to a key on her side, making her laugh. It's the way he flirts, looking at her out the corner of his eyes, a lopsided smile on his lips, she knows it all, has fallen for it all. Nowadays, after their little sessions, he embraces her and touches his forehead to hers, no matter how uncomfortable on the small piano stool.

 _You love me, don't you? You actually see me, and not Hae Soo, right, Hyun Woo? Say you'll remember me. Say you'll love me._

Peace doesn't come.

She finds him hitting his hands on the glass table in his living room. Ha Jin thinks she might throw up at the very instant she notices the blood on his hands and she stumbles on her way to him, bruises her knee when she falls on the carpet, she shouts out his name but he doesn't look up until she's holding his wrists and crying against his shoulder.

"Your hands...!"

She doesn't know what to do at first, she who always tries to keep a clear head when he loses himself, but she's so scared these days, scared of his memories and her memories and a future that wasn't what she had expected. Hyun Woo can only stare at his bloodied hands until Ha Jin takes hold of them.

"I can't play the piano."

He speaks to her but doesn't look at her and Ha Jin worries that he might not even know she's there. The feeling lasts until he faces her.

"My head has been hurting all day and when I sat down to play I couldn't remember. All I could think of were the preparations for the exorcism ritual. All my brothers were there and— Ha Jin, I miss them. I miss all of them so much, despite everything."

She's running out of ways to comfort him. How do you comfort when you don't believe in yourself, in your words, in your own warmth? Ha Jin can't take away his pain as much as Hae Soo could and she feels so small, so insignificant, a gear thrown out place and out of time, unable to work with others, unable to make his world move forward. She wipes away his tears and asks him to wait until she gets the bandages and antiseptic and her heart falls when she finds neither in the bathroom. She doesn't want to leave him alone but she can't take him, bloodied and broken, out in the street, so she tells him, as one would a child, to wait just a little bit, she won't take long, leaving him in his bedroom and away from the glass table. She ought to just get rid of anything fragile the next chance she gets.

It starts raining the minute she steps into the drugstore and of course she doesn't have an umbrella. Ha Jin paces for entire ten seconds before she decides to just run for it, a cold is nothing next to his pain, his blood. He's waiting for her. Although she had longed for him for so long she doesn't know the beginning, the start, the moment, she feels powerless and useless whenever she leaves him waiting. _Is this your pain, Hae Soo? Is this how you died?_

The pain gets to her as she waits for the street sign to turn green.

Ha Jin falls to her knees, crying out. She looks at her legs and sees blood where there's no blood, sees white in her black pants, loses her breath and the steadiness of her heartbeats. There's a sound, distant, long, and she knows, she _knows_ she's dead, her mother, she was like her mother. Ha Jin scratches the pavement with her nails but all she feels is the torture and Lady Oh's death. She screams and no one asks her if she's okay, she's not, she's lost and far away from home and she only ever caused the people she loved pain, she's a failure, a _failure_ and she should be dead—

The raindrops stop falling on her face. She looks up at the shadow cast upon her and he's there, holding his jacket over their heads. She wants to call him an idiot, to ask him why he always lost his umbrellas but the words are stuck in her throat. She sees So, rebelling against his father for her sake, and she sees Hyun Woo, hands badly bandaged with mismatched handkerchiefs, eyes still red, breathing through his mouth.

"Ha Jin—"

"Why did you come here?"

He tilts his head to the side and licks his lips.

"I thought... I thought you were gone for too long. I was worried."

 _Which one of us is more scared? And what are we truly scared of?_

He holds out his arm for her and she uses it to pull herself up. Hyun Woo's jacket does very little to help their condition and Ha Jin sighs, knowing they'll both be sick the next day, Hyun Woo certainly, but he gives her a small smile and she feels herself return it. They run, side by side, back to his apartment, and she has to wear some of his clothes and help him out of his own. It's easier than she thought it would be, she can't stop thinking of his hands, and she carefully checks if there are any shards on his skin, cleaning and bandaging patiently, ignoring his winces and whines.

"It's funny, isn't it?" She says as she wraps the bandage. "You were the one who used to patch me up when I got into fights at school."

"And there were _so many fights_ ," he says, chuckling, making Ha Jin grin.

"I just didn't like boys looking up girls' skirts."

"I think you didn't like boys in general, back then. Sometimes I was terrified you'd beat me up, too."

"Of course not." She finishes and inspects both hands for imperfections. "Who would I call when I got into fights with my mom?"

"And I didn't want to cross you because then I'd lose my movie-watching partner."

"Remember when we skipped P.E. to go watch a movie?"

"That was literally one time and I never quite recovered from the anxiety."

"Your back hurt! You couldn't even do anything in class anyway."

She sits on the bed and they fall back on the mattress at the same time. Ha Jin closes her eyes, losing herself to the memories, her fingers brushing against Hyun Woo's arm.

"Remember our favorite tree?"

Ha Jin opens her eyes and notices Hyun Woo has his head tilted in her direction. He nods before turning his body to face hers.

"You'd glare at anyone who came near us. You were very possessive of our tree." He moves his hand in her direction but it falls between them. Ha Jin touches his wrist instead, her thumb caressing the skin. "You were very angry back then, was it—"

"My parents' divorce, yeah. I never spoke about it, did I?"

"I had a feeling. And I wouldn't want to talk about it unless you did." After he says it, Ha Jin scoots closer to lie on his arm, circling his middle, eyes still on his face in their proximity.

"I felt at peace under that tree... Like nothing bad could come at me. I felt I could sleep there for a thousand years and it'd be okay."

Hyun Woo can't possibly be comfortable without a pillow but he doesn't move.

"You looked peaceful when you slept there."

She gives him a toothy grin.

"I thought you were always reading a book."

"You've always been very beautiful, Ha Jin."

When she buries her face on his chest, she feels the same peace she felt back then, under the afternoon sun, side by side with him.

"Do you remember your boat? In Goryeo?"

He hums his response and she hears and feels it.

"We were ourselves when we were there. I was yours and you were mine... Like under the tree," she says, and she misses his hand brushing her hair, his knuckles caressing her face. She confesses like it's nothing, her heart already belonging to him such a long time ago, but when she looks at him, he seems sad.

"If I disappeared and only Wang So remained, would you still love me in this life?"

His lower lip trembles before he bites softly into it. She knows he wants to look away by the way he looks from her eyes to her lips to her hair and she knows he's nervous by the way he exhales. Ha Jin tightens her hold against his middle and she remembers, Wang So's blood, Wang So's battles, Wang So's torment, Wang So's love.

"Yes," she says, and it's her eyes he's looking at then. "But I don't want you to disappear, Hyun Woo. You won't. I won't let you." She brushes his bangs away from his eyes, taking in and loving every detail that made him who he was. "You've been everything to me since we were sixteen. You're my lighthouse and I don't know what I'd do with myself if I'm not taking care of you."

His happy smile is still the most beautiful thing she's ever seen after a thousand years.

"I promise I won't break anything else."

"It's okay if you do, I'll be here to patch you up." She taps him on the nose and she can see the tension leave his shoulders. "You know, I... I'm also remembering it. Goryeo. I know it hurts. But when I was lost on the sidewalk you appeared, and it was like you knew..." She trails off, tears surfacing without warning, and his arms close around her, bringing her close, the action he can do, the comfort he can provide. "I think it'll be okay if we both remember. If we're together when it happens."

"I'll never let you go."

Ha Jin grins against his shirt and hears, feels his chuckle. They weren't all bad, the memories. They both knew it. When he kisses her, it's Wang So's sincerity and Wang So's passion but Hyun Woo's tenderness, Hyun Woo's friendship and trust.

 _I still see you in the rain, sheltering me. I see the fierceness in his eyes when he plays, and the royal elegance in his posture, in the black of his clothes. I see you in him. But he's mine now. My tree, my shyness, my best friend. You're both mine. And I'm yours. Hae Soo, mother, court lady, first friend. Go Ha Jin. Everything I can be in this life._

Through the open window, the moonlight shines on the ring she keeps in a necklace. Always with her. Waiting until she can finally wear it properly. Until their ghosts stop haunting them. Until all that remains is the candle, shining on them in the night, blown away with their breaths, Wang So and Hae Soo becoming one again, with the moon as their witness.

 _I'm not afraid anymore._

 _I haven't been afraid of you in a long, long time._


End file.
